Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
