The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
