Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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