There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
