Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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