Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this just has baby written all over it
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
