hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
