is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
