i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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