Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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