I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
