Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
