Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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