i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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