I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
