Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
