the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
