I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
