You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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