Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
