By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
50% drunk capacity currently
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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