standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
