I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
