someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
