I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
