oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
