I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
