On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
