I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
