I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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