shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
