Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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