it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
