Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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