Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
