i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he thought i was a dude.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
