I don't usually arrange sex via text message
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
