i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
