Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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