Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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