I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
