you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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