hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
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You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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