just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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