Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
