There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
