Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
