she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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