I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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