I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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