I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
