Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
