Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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