The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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