The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
