you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's never too late to be topless.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Randomize
