Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
