woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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