Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
