either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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