Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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