Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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