i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
