I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
