so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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