On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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