I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
